My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sext me about skeletons
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
