You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
