I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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