remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
