Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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