I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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