I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
