It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
