anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
