It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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