I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
