you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
