xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
