why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
