i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
