So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think people are normalizing furries
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
