Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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