I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
