You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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