I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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