My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
me + whiskey = a bad person
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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