I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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