your parents love me but you hate me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
