Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
