you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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