Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
it glows. i had to have it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
