yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
