Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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