So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
