$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
