Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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