thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
ugly people sure do ruin things
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
