You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
