How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
