I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
