No stitches, just platelets and will power
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
