shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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