So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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