i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
