totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
