Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
