Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
