Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
