Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
