i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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