i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
