did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
