I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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