I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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