life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
