That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
