Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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