yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
