There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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