I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
