The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
